Sorry for the sheer emoness of posts lately. My only excuse is that I am tired and I think I am getting sick. So expect me to over react over the smallest thing. This post however is meant to be seen as positive.




My little brother.
Sondre.
I miss him.

My brother and I used to fight. All the time. We are four years apart and it was enough. When I moved away from home however. That was when our friendship began. When I left for Flekke that first time I left at 3 or 4 am. My brother got out of bed, hugged me, sobbing and said he would miss me. He was 13.


My brother and I both larp, we help each other out on costumes and stuff. I taught him how to make chainmaile and now he is working on a coif for me. He made my drinking horn.

He is trying to teach me how to play guitar. I suck. I think I might be tone deaf or something because I simply can't. But my brother is patient and just smiles when I borrow his favorite guitar for hours.

He got into the school I wanted to, and I have to admit I am envious. I am happy for him, but still...

His school does not have internet in the rooms. I have not really talked to him in months.

My brother is really one one of my best friends.

I am going on an official hiatus from life.

Sorry.

Will be focusing on studying and a few other things while I get over this emo stage.

I am in no shape to deal with people.

I am on the brink of crying and it take next to nothing to send me over the edge.

I have been there for the last few days

I am tired. When I am tried I get emo. When I  get emo it feels like I don't deserve any of what I have.

These are  bad thought. Destructive ones. They are thoughts that leads to smoking late at night. To giving up the nice things I have.

My brain is numb.

I don't know if it is lack of sleep or this feeling of helplessness.

My entire body hurts. That is sleep I know. I got more last night than I have in a week and a half. 8 hours. But that was only because I overslept this morning

So, I am taking a little break, trying to fix myself. Then I'll fix the world.

If you hug me I might cry.

Life have reach normalcy. To get some irritation and anger out of my system I went and played Devil May Cry 4, I had been strangely missing that game and I had only spent some 5 hours with it. Not like Oblivion (54 hours). But I went ahead and played for an hour and a half. There is only so much I can play of that game before the constant adrenaline and fustration get the better of me and I give up. But today I had the joy of no less that 3 boss fights! Yes! And one of them ended up with me having a new favorite pairing Nero/Credo. There is just enough bitter coldness and snarky comments between them to hint at something. Also, I kinda like Credo. Of course compared to Nero and Dante his awesomeness pales, but hey. You gotta be fucking good for it not to next to those two. I still really love the graphics. And on some level I love how you can just shut your brain off, since the game is mostly run around and kill shit.

Mm my current play list fits my mood well.
Wish you were here - Pink Floyd
Hey You - Pink Floyd
Tears and Rain - James Blunt
Mad World - Gary Jules
Angel - Lisa Lynne (I know it is not hers but that is the version I have)
For having just spent an hour kicking demon ass, I am very mellow. I don't know if I should say 'fuck you, this hurts' or 'meh, should have seen it comming, not like you haven't done it before'. Yeah. I can't say it is a long story because it is not. But it is drama nobody need. In short? I am over-reacting. But it fucking hurts. Somehow I feel like there is salt being rubbed in wounds here.

On a happier note, I like the sound track to DMC4 too

And I am waiting for another summer to end. that restless time only a few hours before you leave. All packed up, nothing left to do except charge your cell and your ipod. I think about the things that I have done this summer. The times I laughed (so so many), the times I cried (tears never tasted so bitter.All the words written. I had a very nice time doing it all, and it made me stronger. I've never enjoyed work so much like I did this summer. There was rarely a day I did not want to go into the little white house. I laughed so much this summer, at work, with My Lady, with my mother. I seen some of the most beautiful sights, my niece smiling at me, the puppy accepting me on the spot, I have enjoyed the warm closeness of someone I love when I wake up in the morning. I have gained new friends and proven to myself I could do something I thought I didn't. I've been sitting in the car with my family, all of us singing along to a song on the radio. I have seen two people I belive are a match made in heaven get together. This summer I lived.

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
-Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield


It is moments like this I realize I have lived an extrodionary life and confinue to do so. In many ways I truly belive I have been blessed. I have gotten to see so much and there is so much left to see. I've been given so much knowledge and the oppertunity to do something with it. People keep believing in me. They tell me I am doing great and that I am doing the right thing. And for once I do believe them. As a child I had one fear that overshadowed all others. The fear of becomming normal. I did not what that I wanted an adventure and I am glad to say I have gotten it. Several in fact. In Flekke we had all this talk about UWC being a way out for so many of us, especially the poorer ones. But as one of the richer ones I have to say it applied to me too. Without it I would never have known the great people I do, I would never have traveled a quarter of the way across the world to study. I have been blessed with so many wonderful people in my life, people who see things differently than I do and invite me into their lives and let me see the world like they do, and every year I continue to meet more and more of them. My life have been far from dull and gray, in stead it has been filled with all the colors of the world. I have seen I have felt I have tasted and lived.

It is strange to think that five years ago I was sitting there with a rope in my hand, wondering if I knew how to tie the knot I needed to end it all.  Five years ago I cried myself to sleep more often than not. I hated the place I lived and the people here and I didn't see a reason to continue on. Then I was given the way out of that destructive hole I was in. I needed to get out and away from the people that affected me so. Now I only see them a few times a year and that is enough.

Now, only half a decade later I am a changed woman. And yes I call myself a woman now. I have seen the world as I said and I have gained things to live for. Reasons to hang on. I am not afraid of death. I don't think I'll ever be. I have accepted death as a part of life, with out death there can be no life, because how can you enjoy it all if you know you can have it forever? I won't run from death when it comes for me. I'll be happy I got to see what I did. But until then I have so much more to see and taste and smell and read and enjoy.

Do me all a favor, close your eyes and listen to the song Unwritten by Natasha Bedingsfield. Take a moment to let the words wash in over you. Open your eyes and take a deep breath. Taste life. There is something to live for, life itself.

This is another friends related post. I wanted to say that first because I wanted to say that this is not any one person and the people this concerns mostly does not read my journal. It might also have something to do with what time of the month it is, me being emo I mean.

So. I used to have this nice little empire of friends I talked to all the time. Now I sense it is falling apart

Sometimes I feel like my friends only answer to be polite, especially on aim. So I decide to let them be the one to start a conversation. To prove to myself that they want to talk to me. Often this does not end so well and more likely than not I am the one who crawls back and starts a conversation. There have been people I have not talked to in as long as a year because of this. People I considered my best friends. And what it the most annoying is that I know they talk to other people because they talk to some of the people I am still in contact with... Sigh

I should probably point out that this post was only written to get it out of my system. Don't feel obliged to respond to this

It is strange how something I loved, still love, and felt so confident in have become a constant source of insecurity.

It is 6.30 in the morning and I am awake.
It is 6.30 in the morning and I have been awake for an hour.

An hour ago: I woke up with a start. I was alone in my bed. Not really something to fret about I know, but on some level I had expected her to be back by now. She might be, she might be in her room. It took be half an hour to get my brain to work enough to remember that she had said she might be staying at Sib's. So now I don't know where she is, all I know is that she is not here. Again, not really anything to fret about, but tell that to my muddy brain an hour ago.

Now: I have a craving for coffee. Steamy warm freshly brewed coffee with a little bit of milk as I sit here and hear the world wake up. I wonder how early Starbucks opens on Sundays? If this had been back home in Norway I would so have had a mug of steaming coffee as I would be writing this. But then again, I wouldn't be writing this, because one of the things I crave for would be over 5000 km way (that is 5 000 000 meters. 5 million meters) and the other one I would have. Instead I have none, but they are relatively easy to get, both of them. I am really wondering about Starbucks now. I really want a big cup of coffee and there are worse places to write. But then again, I live in Northampton and people frown at you if you go there. And I did spend a lot of money yesterday. But... Coffee! Want! Actually what I really want is the oppertunity to make it myself, to cuddle up with a big cup of coffee and a warm cat on my stomach. And then use this time to catch up on my online reading, maybe write some myself and chat to friends. Yeah, that was how I spent my mornings last summer. Getting up at somewhere between four and five and talk to my friends. Now my friends are much closer. Yet some of them I talk to way less. Odd that. I think what I am craving is that entire package of friends close even though they are physically far away, coffee, good food and cats. Seems like I have opted for the lesser deal this year, huh? But then again, most of the time I don't thinks so. This is only the early morning ramblings of a tired coffee craving person.

Oh have I mentioned I want coffee? And cuddles? And how I am getting none right now...

I don't know why, but I am off. Every end of the year, ever since I heard Derek play this song at the end of year show my first year in Flekke. Strange to think of that that was now 3 years ago. I could have sworn it was two weeks. Yet so incredibly much have happened in those years, I grew up, I took resposibility, I graduated, I hurt, I felt betrayed, I felt more alone than ever before, I lost and found hope (and lost it again), I was a jerk, I broke the unwritten rules, I broke the written ones too, I lied, I was confused, I longed for home, yet found one some 3500 miles (Over 5600 km) away from where I am born, I drank, I laughed, I cried, I failed, I got back up on my feet, I disliked,I loved, I was loved, I argued, I traveled the world (5x3500 miles + 2x 5500 miles + 2x 420 miles), I found friends, I lost them, I packed down my life.

This time every year I become one of those people who live in boxes. My life is in boxes. My room is half packed down, half not, I have to do laundery, sell back my books, cash paychecks all of that joy, and I hope to be done by dinner so that the people who have said they would help me carry boxes (in exchange for sushi) can come over. I hope to take Claire out for dinner tomorrow. I want to pack and get done with it, but at the same time I don't, I want to keep this room. It is a very nice room, I have good memories from this room starting on the first night I was back. But no, I am moving room. Maybe it is about time. Change is good.

I am also starting to get nerves about Iceland, I am looking forward to it like a baby for christmas, but at the same time, I have not seen Bunny in two years. My head is spinning all these crazy why and if questions at me. It always do when I am going somewhere.

I am edgy, I know I have no reason to be, I am done god damn it (yes, feel free to curse me, I probably deserve it), but I can't stop. The tension on my internal strings is very high and I don't know why. All I know is that I don't want to be alone, yet I am close to breaking down and crying every moment. *sigh*

Well, will go brush teeth now and pack, maybe have a last cup of coffee before I pack down the coffee maker

Yesterday:
Yesterday hundreds if not thousands of news papers all over the world was edited to take out certain political messages. Yesterday political oponents of the current government in Zimbabwe was tortured. Yesterday anti China protesters was threatened with violence in Nepal. Yesterday Eynulla Fətullayev spent his day (like he will spend today and tomorrow and the day after and so on) in jail on political charges.

Yesterday we proved that freedom of speech does not exist on Smith campus.

Today:
Today I am ashamed. Today I am not a Smithie. I do not want to be associated with this group of brilliant young women who can't act like normal humans do. Today I do not wear my college's name with pride. I wear it in shame. I thought this was a place of free speech, of love and compassion and open discussion. How could I be so wrong? Today I see that this is just like those countries we condem for their crushing of free speech.

Yesterday I had hope for this world, hope that we, here at Smith, could make a change. That we could show the world that there are safe zones, places you will be accepted no matter what.
Today I have no hope. You, those of you who acted like idiots last night, have taken away my will to fight for our rights. Why should I bother fighting one regime only to have it replaced by one equally bad. Today I mourn what was killed last night.

This weekend have been so long, but on so many levels so good. Claire and I finally got some us time, after quite a number of weeks were we haven't really had time to do so. This included oversleeping brunch and getting food at the CC. It was good. Very much needed.

Today I have tons of stuff to do, most important is a take home that is due at 6PM tonight that I am far from done with. And there is loads of other stuff as well

Todo today:
-Take home exam
-do math homework for tomorrow
-Mail tax things
-stuff for CS
- find job
-talk to adviser
-figure out schedule for next semester
-measure and order bones for corset
-email Ema with corset ideas

Now it is time to go get food
See you all

"Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight...
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home...hard to know what it is if you never had one
Home...I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the heart is"
-Walk On by U2

I don't know why I wanted to start with that song. It doesn't really have much to do with anything. Except to bring home a point I made the other day. Walk on. It is all we can do. And don't be afraid.

A brief note on the new title of this blog. Brief Mortality. The blogger account have the full sub title, LJ does not. Anyway it is 'And the sound makes it's way outta the window Minglin' with the traffic noises outside, you know, an' All of a sudden I'm overcome by a feelin' of brief mortality', it is from the spoken intro to the song Woke up this Morning by A3. The reason why I chose this is because often I am over come by this feeling. I see something beautiful, or grand, or ancient or so larger than life, and I am reminded about how small I am, and how little I really matter in the big picture. And you know what, it is a good feeling.

I bleached my hair, was intending on dying it blue, but now I like this, I might stay blond.

Maria Victoria is now unplayable. She's in jail. And is going to stay there for a while. So yesterday I statted out Ramon. He is going to be fun. He's an Egyptian orc. Tall, and when he isn't having problems with the ground moving (ie. on a boat or drunk) quite graceful. He is young and handsome in that slightly dangerous way. You know someone confident of their abilities, and those abilities include being able to hurt you badly. In the shower I realized why he is in London, must remember to tell Sibs. Ramon is a pirate and I have to figure out the way he speak, I have a feeling he swears by a ton of different gods. Heh, he is going to be fun, mainly because he'll rub Jaq the wrong way so badly..